Here I am in Australia… today I ran to the beach for a quick dip to wash Jessica’s slimy body dessert lotion off me… she’s always rubbing that stuff on my chest… I don’t want to smell like cheesecake!

Jessica’s finally getting better at that walking thing… she only needs help every once and awhile, when she forgets to put one foot in front of the other!

No vacation is complete without a little stroll down the beach, looking sex-ay.. might as well try to grab a few more Australian sales of my CD! G’day from Down Under — Jessica’s asking me to wipe her now!

At first it seemed the see-saw relationship between Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson was merely concocted to bring attention to two aging publicity hos. But wait… could there be a grain of truth to the long-lasting union?

Tommy Lee has moved back in with his ex-wife — supposedly because his house is being renovated. He couldn’t go to a hotel or crash with a friend?

Hope these two can work it out this time!

Josh Duhamel goes to great lengths to keep things fresh in the bedroom with Fergie.. he’s got to keep his mind occupied somehow!

Fergie brags to Playboy magazine that he dresses up and becomes her own private dancer: "He dances for me in private, in some very interesting outfits."

When asked if she makes Josh perform to her music, Fergie replied: "Make him? He wants to. He likes dancing." Well yeah, anything for a distraction!

Jessica’s tagging along behind John on his tour in Australia so they can continue their goofy-eyed make out sessions around the world. These two are getting really boring! Even the bird behind Jessica is yawning…

Michael’s "daughter" Paris spent her ninth birthday in Vegas covered in a black veil. How old does a child have to be before being forced to cover your head in cloth is finally considered child abuse? How is this even legal?

And hot… it must be 90 degrees inside there!

Realizing two bubbleheads can make a bigger pop than one can alone, Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan ended their long-standing fued — remember Aaron Carter? –  so they can better antagonize Paris and Nicole!

The new buds have been hanging out a lot lately, and have been regressing back to junior high to tear down their rivals.

Last week, they were together at Teddy’s, where they danced and, at one point, even kissed each other’s hands. Hilary laughed when Lindsay climbed on a banquette to mimic Paris when one of her songs came on. Then, in a panic, they rushed to the bathroom for a gossip session when Duff’s ex Joel Madden arrived with Nicole. Wonder how long this terrible twosome will last?

Guess newly renovated redhead Joss Stone really does F her producers! The 19 year old is the current snugglebunny of 40-year-old producer Raphael Saadiq. Who’s her daddy?

British soul singer Lemar said the pair are definitely an item, telling Smooth FM radio Wednesday: "I’ve known about their relationship for ages. Joss is always texting me about how happy she is. And it’s the real deal."

The real deal… I’d love to see the deck she’s using!

Beneath that anything-for-a-buck conformist façade, Avril’s really a punk idealist… for the cameras! So is her husband… uhh… Deryck Whibley… remember him? His band used numerals just like Blink 182 but was even less memorable. Fierce!

When did Bigfoot get so skinny?

Fortunately for your eyes, celebs other than Courtney Love have been hanging out at the beach lately. Who showed us her bodacious backside as she played in the sand with her children?

Find out… in an inkling!

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